Self-Doubt = Self-Torture

Self-doubt.

I have been doubting myself ever since I was a child.

I doubted my ability to pull it off.
To succeed.
Make it happen.
Pass the exam.
Get the grades.
Get pregnant.
Get clients.
Get money.
And the list goes on…

Am I fucking up my children?
Will they turn out to be horrible teenagers?
Will I make rent next month?

I have tortured myself with self-doubt for as long as I can remember.

My self-doubt doesn’t come from a lack of confidence in myself.
Rather, it’s a form of self-criticism.
An internal bully.
An internal critical parent as we say in Transactional Analysis.

I fear the consequences of a potential failure.
Nancy being mean to Nancy.
Nancy telling Nancy that she didn’t do well enough.
She didn’t work hard enough.
She didn’t make the right choices.
She is a failure.
She is bad…

Sometimes I get rid of the doubt by closing the gap between me and me.
I get on Nancy’s side for a minute.
I become my own best friend.
It feels so good to have compassion for myself.

Suppose I don’t make rent.
Suppose I don’t pay my taxes on time.
None of which have ever happened by the way.
If I continue to love and honour myself, I would have nothing to fear.
I wouldn’t have to fear…ME!

Anchored in my self-love, I could face anything.
My landlord.
Her Majesty’s Revenues and Customs.
Anything.

I wouldn’t go down hard on myself.
I wouldn’t give myself a hard time.
I wouldn’t punish myself or make myself wrong.

I would lick my wounds.
Dust myself off and keep going with my head held high.

That’s what Maya Angelou modelled for us.
Dignity.
And Unity.

That’s it.
Unity heals the doubt.

You united with You.

Abraham Hicks calls it Alignment.
You aligning with your Higher Self.
With Source.
Getting up to speed with who you have become.

I want to be by my side even when the shit hits the fan.
And if it doesn’t, I still want to be my side.

I don’t want to shame myself into success.
Or terrorise myself into success.
O bully myself into success.

It’s a scary way to live.
With an internal bully putting pressure on you every single day.

No.

I want to feel like my own best friend, cheerleader and unconditional lover.

I can already breath better…

Can you?